What the hell happened…
The short story; I had a nervous breakdown.
Jezebel launched on a Friday and by Saturday- I was anxiety ridden to the point that I wasn’t eating, sleeping, or functioning.
Anxiety is a real bitch. I’ve had panic attacks in the past but they lasted an hour or a day and then all was well. I want to shed some light on something especially common in women. Anxiety. Often we make mistakes with anxiety. One of the problems with anxiety is that anxiety itself can make mistakes more likely – because anxiety changes thought processes and feelings in a way that can lead to you to making decisions that are counterproductive for curing anxiety. (source: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/mistake-that-makes-anxiety-worse)
Jezebel was killing it rank wise- I should have been celebrating and jumping for joy- instead- I was chewing anxiety pills like candy. I cried. I didn’t have dessert. I didn’t drink anything but water. I laid in bed all day. I lost 8 lbs total since June 5th. I didn’t sleep. My heart rate was over 100 for 7 days. From Saturday the 6th until Saturday the 13th I. Didn’t. Function. If you’ve read my bio- you know all of that is 100% the opposite of who I am.
In that mindset- I thought pulling Jezebel would alleviate my anxiety. Anxiety is a fairly normal reaction to stress.
Anxiety is irrational folks. I know that. I tried like hell to beat it but I didn’t win. So I stepped back. I got off social media. I started using calming oils, different medications (from my doctors visits), meditation and taking slow- lethargic walks.
Anxiety is something everyone needs to hear about- not everyone can or will understand it -but know its effects are disasterous.
It took 14 days for me to feel like I wasn’t dying or about to crumble at any moment. I am so sorry to all my precious readers that this happened. I would never yank a book willy nilly… this was something that had never happened before. And I hope and wish it is something you never experience.
14 complete days of feeling like I had shattered. All day everyday. It was all consuming and terrifying. And why now! I asked. My ninth book! What the hell?! Why is this happening?
There is no answer. My doctor kindly (har har) told me that anxiety doesn’t necessarily NEED a trigger. Sometimes- it just attacks.
It’s a terrible feeling when your child comes home from school, crawls into the bed you’ve been in all day and just snuggles into you (well, terrible for them knowing their parent is hurting). It’s even worse when at 7:45pm they roll over and ask “are we having dinner tonight?” 15 mins before bedtime. I wasn’t even parenting.
Guilt piled onto anxiety is awful.
Then the guilt of leaving readers hanging. MY GOD people- I freaked out about that too. *Deep Breaths*
I am happy to announce, I’ve crawled out of my hole- mostly… I’ve had many vials of blood taken because the duration of my ‘breakdown’ was extreme- to the point they want to test for thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies and hormonal imbalances. I am in a better place now and have decided that Jezebel and Lying in Wait is as well will rerelease July 3rd.
And I hope you all can understand. I hope you all don’t think poorly of me now because it was awful and I needed to make sure I was okay, and my family was ok before I could even think about Jezebel again.
I appreciate all your kind thoughts and encouraging words and all the lovely reviews that’ve been left on Goodreads. And to the many of you who reached out to let me know about your personal battles with anxiety- thank you. It was comforting knowing I wasn’t insane or alone. And if anyone reading this has anxiety and wants to seek information- please reach out or check out http://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/anxiety.htm.
Have a stellar day my loves. All the best,